Knitting Will Save You

I enjoy knitting. Knitting good. Knitting make Rachel happy. And here's why I'm telling you this: you should also knit.

First off, if you knit something pretty, (you can send it to me) you'll then have something pretty to make you happy, or to give to somebody else (me) and make them happy (Me. Therefore making yourself happy. Unless you have the wintry soul of a bitter old bitch, as many of us do. In that case, throw it at a small child and laugh in evil glee). Second, knitting is pretty zenlike. Zenous. Zenny. You can just drift off and think about anything while you knit: fish, disco, global warming. You'll be relaxed and possibly solve some major world crisis. Like how to keep fish alive inside of the chunky heel of the most awesome boots ever (and then send them to me). You can do it! I believe in you.

If you're a writer (and don't kid yourself, everybody's a writer (you're not special, I don't care what your mom and your elementary school guidance counselor said.), you could find inspiration for your next book while knitting. Seriously. Or at least figure out the next scene, or work out that piece of dialogue you're stuck on. Okay why the hell is the word dialogue not in whatever spellcheck from hell I'm using? AND WHY IS THE WORD SPELLCHECK NOT RECOGNIZED BY A SPELLCHECK PROGRAM? Fucked up. That's all I'm saying. Anyway. Knitting is a lot like those last few minutes before you fall asleep. Your mind is just wandering all over the place, and sure you usually get weird crap like "I'm a linx! I have laser vision and you will be my alien slave," but surprisingly often, something brilliant will just pop in there for a split second to say hi and maybe ask for a crumpet. And then you'll be all "Are you shitting me ambiguous politically correct deity, I'm twenty seconds away from glorious slumber and now I have to choose between getting up and finding a post it note so I can write this brilliant idea down that could quite possibly win me the Nobel prize, or relinquishing it to oblivion in the name of rest?!" But when you're knitting and inspiration occurs, it takes way less discipline to properly record your awesome, Nobel prize-winning ideas. Plus if you're feeling brain dead from writing the same sentence over and over again, cursing yourself for ever starting your story (book, poem) in the first place, remember the Zeniness of knitting. Purl your way to oblivion.

One more thing: knitting needles can be used as weapons in a pinch. Zombie Apocalypse? Good thing you're still working on that scarf you were going to give your boyfriend five years ago when you were still together, because now you can fend off possible brain-eatage with a good stab to the glassy eye of the nearest zombie. Go you!